This PhD business is supposedly four years. I’m not too far from finishing the first quarter. Time goes faster as you get closer to the cliff. Bet death is just like this, like how you are feeling right now, then poof, the titles scroll. Sometimes I think the horrible painful diseases that can grow inside a person, usually later in life, do the job of changing one’s denial of death to possibly looking forward to it. Nature’s way of keeping everyone feeling right about their circumstance like how it makes certain women want to go through childbirth which I used to scratch my head over until I listened more attentively to women explaining why they wanted this experience. Nature makes people believe doing the things nature needs is their own idea. Is it me writing this right now? Is me for real? I used to think one might achieve some sort of “readiness” for the end of everything but now I think you never are ready to no longer be that thing you are, a creature efficient at ordering pizza or opening an umbrella. Same thing with musical identity, with imagining you will arrive somewhere higher up the mountain and maybe technically you achieve it but definitely part of arriving is noticing another higher peak you still can’t reach. Hard to believe great artists in every field might feel that way but bet they do.
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