Part of my draw to improvisational music is the space between uncontrolled ideas and will. Most of my first impressions about a person’s character, have hardly anything to do with what I realize over time about them, yet I have a takeaway. It’s automatic, uncontrollable. There was a student last term who seemed a typical straight A studious type. Goody two shoes and by the book. However, later she quit. She was depressed and told me so bluntly in emails after missing assignments. The work she did manage to submit was good, I liked it a lot. I was rooting for her but she couldn’t shake off the problems in her life. She felt cursed and at one point shared with me she doesn’t feel like she’s in control of herself. I don’t think anyone is in control of themselves, that’s part of our life position. Didn’t make ourselves born, don’t know when we die, don’t control kidneys or how our heart keeps pumping. I can’t even control being triggered no matter how many times I tell myself I am not going to be triggered by Elton John’s sample in Cold Heart by Dua Lipa, saturating public outlets as if it should be taken seriously as music. The student took a lot of drugs and drink and unapologetically told me so. In a way I found that refreshing. I could not admit such things to teachers earlier in my life. The last thing she handed in was a song she sung in a voice I didn’t trust at first. I thought she was making it melodramatic as a joke but later realized it is her style and it grew on me, she grew on me. I recall my first impressions of her were nothing like later, I wished I could convey to her even though things seem uncontrolled, it’s still ok a lot of the time. It could even be very interesting because of that.